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Wednesday, December 26, 2007

It was a Christmas miracle

So it's Christmas night. And I have a prime rib roast in oven. And it's sporting a beautiful crust. We're setting the table and making the last preparations when I discover that we have no horseradish. I can't have Christmas prime rib without horseradish right?

So I put on my jacket and get in the car and start driving.

It's like 6pm. Where am I going to find horseradish on Christmas day at this hour? Hell, what's even open at this hour? I drive by Stater Brothers. Closed. Not only are they closed but they put their carts in front of their doors on the inside. They are secure.

Keep driving Ralphs is closed. Ooo! CVS is open. What are the chances CVS has horseradish? The chances are zero. Zero chances they have horseradish. But so as not to waste the trip I bought batteries, because I knew they'd come in handy when we start playing Electronic Banking Monopoly WHICH IS AWESOME! I'd call it a Christmas present but I bought it for me.

I'm about to give up when I noticed cars parked at the far end of a parking lot. People getting out and walking into BAKER'S SQUARE?! Baker's Square is open on Christmas. And in case I'm second guessing myself I can see the Santa painted on the window telling me that they're open. Well a last resort is a last resort.

"Hi this is kind of a strange request, do you guys have horseradish? Would it be possible to get a few sides of horseradish to go? No no meat. No drink. Just horseradish."

"Uh let me see, I don't even know how much I'd charge for that."

"Money is no object sir. I need it to save Christmas."

Sure enough. A couple of minutes and three bucks later I'm walking out with frozen yogurt cup's worth of horse radish.

I don't think the guy recognized me. But I'd love it if they told the story when Hurley came in on Christmas and only ordered horse radish. Eventually as the story got passed down it would get distorted from the truth till it got to the point where I actually sat down at the counter and just started scooping straight horse radish into my mouth.

Either way, Christmas was saved.

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Merry Christmas

Hey everybody. I wanted to show you guys my favorite ornament hung on mom's tree.
It's this snowman that appears to have hung himself.

Poor Frost. Just couldn't hack all of the holiday pressure.

And my best gift:

It's a Chihuahua cookie/doggie biscuit jar. It also came with a matching serving dish.

Merry Christmas.

Frosty the Snow-Thug

So last night I started thinking about that Frosty the Snowman song.

What was with the broomstick? Now they often show him with a broom in his hand. But the song says broomstick. That makes think of Sonny Corleone walking around with that stick in his hand when he goes to kick the crap out the guy who hit his sister.
So now i get images of Frosty going around town knocking stuff around and breaking windows what not. Just wreaking havoc all over the neighborhood.



Frosty? Kind of a dick!

Sunday, December 23, 2007

MOM! CAN I KEEP 'IM?!

Cleaning stuff at Mom's

So we're cleaning stuff out of the garage and dropping off old items to the goodwill. One thing I had to talk my mom out of was this high chair. It was mine and my sister's.

That's right I sat here once. Once.

I was like "Why do you want to keep it?" "Who do you think is going to use it?" "Why not pass it along to someone who will put it to good use?" Eventually she agreed.

Another cool item was this bowl.

It's claim to fame in my life? I peed in it. When my dad bought this bowl we were in the car and I had to take a leak. So what could I do? My dad told me to pee in the bowl. So that's the pee bowl. This is all according to my mom. I don't actually remember urinating into this bowl.

Funny you'd think I'd remember something like that. And since it happened six months ago.

CELLULITIS?!

Well I'd like to thank you all for scaring me into thinking I have cellulitis?

But I looked up the treatment for cellulitis. And the treatment is an antibiotic which I am already taking for my sore throat.

So I'm pretty sure the odds are against.

(But I do think I got an extra dose of poison from the sting because I "pinched" the stinger out.)

BEEvenge (Or Vengeance will BEE ours)

Well it's been two days and ther is definitely a reduction in Bees. This definitely goes to show...
GOSH! LOOK AT MY HAND!!!!!!



It's so puffy. Here I'll put up a flipped picture of the opposite hand for comparison.

Puffier right?
Oh no. And here with Christmas around the corner. How will I ever fit my mittens on this hand.
4Q Bees! 4Q!

Language Barrier

Okay let's say you're at the Apple Pan. (By the way don't go to the Apple Pan on Sunday nights. It's their last night of the week and they run out of stuff, like lettuce. P.S. Try the burger without lettuce. It's awesome. )

Where was I...

Oh yes let's say your at the Apple Pan enjoying a burger with your friend. Your friend points to the burger in his hand and says, "Can I get another one of these?" Now you'd think your friend just ordered another burger.

Yes you'd think that. Until this showed up.

Friday, December 21, 2007

oh BEEhave

Operation Take Back The House

has begun.

I had to make a move when I saw these bees trying to crawl into my bed.



So I've thrown a comforter around the grate in front of the fireplace and propped a case of waters in front to give it weight.
Now we wait and see. If that doesn't stop or at least slow down the bees then we know they're getting in from someplace else.

The mission went as planned. But we did suffer one casualty.





I took a shot in the hand

HeeBEEgeeBEEs!!!!!!

So I'm staying at my mom's. And for the last fews days I've been suffering from the nastiest sore throat I can remember. And I had a fever of a hundred and four. (I had a fever of a hundred and three as well, which works better musically, but I thought mentioning where it peaked at was more important.)
Well I'm hot blooded check it and see. I got a fever of a hundred and three.
Well I'm hot blooded check it you whore. I got a fever of a hundred and four. (Less poetic)

So I haven't been in the mood to do much of anything except sleep and not swallow. So as I have myself a little muesli (The Kahala resort has the best muesli on their buffet, I don't know how they do it. I've been trying to come up with my own homemade concoctions but none of them are up to snuff) [By the way, the origin of "up to snuff" not impressive at all. Not even worth the mention]

-pause while I go answer the doorbell-

Ok. So now as I wait for the cable guy to hook up the cable phone service, I can finally write the blog I've been waiting to write.

HeeBEEgeeBEEs

Mom's got bees. They are somewhere in the wall. And they all come into the living room to die. I don't know if that was their original plan but eventually that's the fate they meet. This has been a problem at mom's for a while. And she had someone over here once already who fixed the problem for a few months but the bees came back. So the window sill is always buzzing. And you have to be careful reaching under a lampshade. (I got stung last time I visited.) But it's gotten worse now.

See grandma has moved in. Which puts me on the couch in the living room. BEE CENTRAL. So far I've had to brush a bee off my leg and ear. I also got a mysterious bump on the sole of my foot, it itched like crazy. Could I have gotten stung in my sleep on the bottom of my foot? So it's hard to rest easy in a room where I keep getting totally creeped out.

I want to throw a quilted comforter into the fire place to seal it up in hope of solving the mystery of their point of entry. But mom's not into the the aesthetics of that set up. I don't know who she's planning to invite.

"Sure come on over. You're not allergic to bees are you?...Oh, no reason."

Thursday, December 6, 2007

That ain't right

Today was trash day at my parents'. They have three bins. Each for one of three different kinds of trash: recyclables, green waste, and trash.

Now I've been feeling very "green" this week. I broke down all of the cardboard boxes that I had shipped my christmas gifts in. And put them in the bin. When I was running errands I picked up a bunch of energy star bulbs to start switching their lights.

Returning home I found that I had left my house key in the car. As I went back to retrieve it, I saw a trash truck back into the street. And I watched it as the driver proceeded to dump all three bins into the same truck.

What's up with that?!
Now I know it was robotic arm. And robotic arms do some very sophisticated work. But I can't imagine the arm on that truck is sophisticated enough to dump the bins into specialized compartments in one truck.

Someone's not doing their part.

So I did something I haven't in ages. I told on him. I told my mom. She said usually three trucks come by. She was pretty pissed. But it didn't go any further than that.

Lunch at Mom's

This December I will be spending most of the month at my parent's house in Orange County. Lost is done for now until further strike-related notice. So it's Mom, Dad, Grandma, and me all under one roof. My lack of seniority puts me on the day bed in the living room.

By the way Hawaii has ruined me for California winters and thus winters almost anywhere else. My girlfriend is from Milwaukee and I've made it quite clear that the only window in the year that I will even consider visiting her home town is during the months that don't end in BER or ARY.

My mom is the sole caregiver for both my father and my grandmother. This is no easy task. I know this because during my stays at home I take on some of the responsibilities as well as do things that she has been saving for my eventual return. (Like move furniture and hang Christmas lights.)

So when lunch comes around it's got it's own routine. Once we get the food ready to serve. Mom summons Abuela while I bring my dad downstairs. (This is only because I am here; it is too difficult for her to bring him down everyday for a half hour lunch.)

She serves them on what I like to call "cafeteria" plates. They are large plastic plates which are compartmentalized into three sections, one half and two quarters. I serve myself on what I like to call a "normal" plate and sat down with everyone to eat. That is when I made a discovery. The "cafeteria" plate is the best choice for this system because if the meal should not require a knife (in this case salmon) a "normal" plate does not provide an adequate surface for which to push your vegetable medley against to get it on your fork. A "cafeteria" plate is full of surfaces to push stuff against.

Now this is where a "normal" person would get up and grab a knife. Of course this is also where another "normal" person will just push the kernels onto his fork with his finger. If you find that gross I'll have you know that I saw my grandma do the same thing today when she was served on a "normal" plate. This wasn't a joke I was playing on my grandmother I couldn't find a clean "cafeteria" plate, but don't worry I got it all squared away and all "cafeteria" plates are present and accounted for.

You see folks, it's all about cutting the right corners. A knife-less lunch means less time spent washing dishes. A "cafeteria" plate means less time spent washing hands.

Monday, December 3, 2007

The Fart that ruined X-mas

So sad. While running errands we had the idea to go swing by the Christmas tree tent in the Don Quijote parking lot. It's fun we just pull up along side the open flap and inhale the aroma of lovely Christmas conifers.

But someone had to pass gas in the car. (For the record it was not me.)

And no matter how hard I sniffed, or how far I hung my head out the window. I could not even catch a whiff of tree. I just couldn't escape the smell. The smell that ruined Christmas.

Saturday, December 1, 2007

Finally Caught

Upon closer inspection it's not a creature at all.


It's just me, silly.


(Yes, this WAS stupid)